I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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