Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
