My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
