peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
