I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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