It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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