they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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