My cat gives me a boner
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
