haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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