Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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