I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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