I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
