My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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