I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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