I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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