I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
