Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
