my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
