You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
