I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
