mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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