When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
