Don't make out with my wife yet
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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