Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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