did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
