My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize