I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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