I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize