I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
