I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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