and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
