I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
