did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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