I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize