I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
