I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
love makes seman taste better
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
