How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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