I think I just saw someone hide a body.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
