So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
