she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
