nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
