oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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