i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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