Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
