if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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