Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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