Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
