know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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