I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
