you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I need a burrito and a hug.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
