Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
