I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
