She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I want a musical about memes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize