I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
