The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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