A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
