Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wish there were birth control emojis
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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