I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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