i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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