Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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