Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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